Gluteus, Keyword: Maximus

Yesterday morning at 5:40 my cell alarm promptly reminded me that my trainer would be eagerly awaiting my arrival at the gym down the street in just 20 minutes. My first reaction was obviously “shit”. I hadn’t set 4 alarms at 5 minute increments and there was no cheating this wake-up call. I got up - miraculously I become amply more responsible when I’ve got an obligation to someone else- I know, I’m such a good person.

As I mindlessly dressed myself, digging through drawers for matching socks, I realized that the following sentence was cycling through my head on repeat like on one of those light boards that advertises an ATM or cigarettes: “This will be one of the worst hours of your life, and then it will be over…This will be one of the worst hours of your life, and then it will be over”. This was a fair assumption give the fact that my last session (just 3 days prior) with the very same trainer was without question the most painful I’d ever experienced (that says a lot, I’ve had 3 trainers in LA). This brings me to the subject of training styles...

My current trainer (let’s call him ‘3’) teaches kickboxing and is built and lean. He’s also like a robot, methodical and committed…and I quickly determined him ‘not smart’. On the first day that I met him, he tried to tell me that lemons are chock full of protein. I know what you’re thinking: “Why would you enlist him as your trainer if he doesn’t even know the categories of food that supply protein?”. Well, his body suggested he knows what he’s doing -and I don’t need his dietary advice, I’ll just break it anyway. If I was good about the whole ‘diet’ concept, I wouldn’t need the gym in the first place- believe me.

Despite his obvious mental prowess, 3 beats the shit out of me- there’s no down-time between exercises, there’s a lot of what he calls ‘metabolism stimulating’ activities, he ALWAYS overestimates my strength and abilities - and he pushes me relentlessly:

3: “1 minute and 30 seconds to go….”
Me: “ugggh. I Caaaaan’t.”
…2 minutes later….
3: “1 minute and 11 seconds to go…” *as he checks his watch*
Me: “You said that 5 minutes ago”.
3: “45 seconds to go”

I guarantee he can’t tell time and that the watch-checking is for effect.

As for his handling of me, he either wouldn’t dream of giving positive reinforcement, or he simply doesn’t think I deserve it – training with him consists of me feeling like a) a whiner, b) weak, and c) a failure. This dynamic, although the polar opposite of anything I’ve experienced with my previous trainers, happens to be just fine with me. He’s constantly lessening the weight that he’d initially handed me as I routinely max out at 4 reps-and I happen to think it’s funny. Every time he passes me a weight, my brain goes “nope”. But, I humor him. He’s also a big fan of responding to my “I can’t do anymore” with “12 more” or “1 minute, 10 seconds” as if the words I just spoke bore absolutely no meaning.

As he looks over his list of exercises in search of my next punishment, I do my 800 1/2th sit-up…and I stop and rest, having noticed his inattention. He looks up without the slightest hint of amusement and replies “Did I say stop?”. Ruthless. Nevertheless, my ass has never hurt so badly in my entire life, so he’s doing something right. As for the exercises he makes me do…well, there are some that I love and will retain for future use, and then there are the others - as I awkwardly attempt a sit-up in the weirdest position I’ve ever pretzeled myself into and on the most bizarre machine you’ve imagined, I can’t help but blurt out “there are better ways of accomplishing this same exercise- I know, I’ve done them”. 3 definitely makes me do an array of things that I despise because they’re more physically awkward than productive and basically, there’s absolutely nothing FUN about working with him. But, to be frank - I’d like to see what my ass looks like after the three week mark. Also, because he’s got more of a total-body approach to our workouts than my previous trainers, he’s providing me with some new things to add to my existing routine which is heavily based on isolating muscles.

So, check back for status updates and further brilliant dietary insights from my own personal Dr. Atkins. Just remember, “If it was easy to look good, everyone would- why do you think so few people go to the gym…blah blah blah, statsisticstatisticstatistic (probably made up)” ~ 3.