An Open Letter To: The Girl Hiking in Front of Me Wearing Booty Shorts

Dear Girl Hiking Runyon Canyon in Booty Shorts,

Thank you for motivating today's entire workout and for setting my breakneck pace.
I first spotted you when you were two ridges ahead of me, taking a breather as I began my ascent of the leftmost ridge of Runyon (also known as my own personal hell for 25ish minutes a day - hopefully more like 10 in the near future). My immediate reaction was "uuuuugh, no she didn't". From there on out, my mission became to pass you...which I quickly accomplished. Then, I ran up the extra long, steep slopes just to make sure I'd grounded you into your proper place.
Darling, not even Giselle should be hiking with her bare ASSets on display. I could be the proud owner of an elusive, mythological onion-butt (of which you weren't) and I'd still keep my shiz tastefully under wraps. So, to the girl in the booty shorts and knee socks...and every other girl I regularly see up there in their god-awful skivvies, the flattering lighting in your apartments and your strategically tilted mirrors are lying. It doesn't look that good while the directional sun sets over the otherwise gorgeous canyon. Lock it up, ain't no Photoshop in real life. Please and thanks.

Sincerely,

Bearing your fleshy ass while allegedly sneaking in an exercise is not clever, it just looks like you're trying to distract from your personality...or face.